I’ve always been a perfectionist. Before I was aware of what that cost me, I embraced it. As a 20 year old, I had a transformational experience that helped me understand the Atonement on a deeply personal level. For the first time in my life, I realized the beauty of weakness and a Heavenly Father who loved me in my weakness.
But as a 21 year old missionary, I was overwhelmed. I bounced between trying to be perfect and allowing myself to grow organically. There just wasn’t enough time to learn how to be the kind of missionary I needed to be. I wasn’t ready.
And just to top it off, filming was starting.
Purpose Filter
As the foundation of missionary department training, we had discussed the missionary purpose. Members of the missionary department encouraged us after every interaction with others to evaluate ourselves with a “purpose filter:”
- Did we invite them to Christ?
- Did we invite faith, repentance, partaking of or renewal of covenants, and the Holy Ghost more fully into their lives?
- What could we do better next time?
Evidence of Our Purpose
Quantifying this turned out to be pretty difficult. One day a trainer from the missionary department was walking us through the filter. Check, check, check. Of course we invited them to Christ, that’s what we did.
Then he stopped us. “But how do you know?”
“Uhh.”
He pressed on, “What evidence do you have that you invited them to Christ?”
Crickets. I honestly had no clue how to answer that.
Gently, he prodded, “Are they keeping commitments? Was the Spirit present? Have they made changes?”
Wait. Yes! I could actually evaluate whether I was fulfilling my purpose. That was all I had to focus on: inviting others to Christ. I could let the rest of it fade away. It would come.
I could almost physically feel pieces falling into place in my brain. I was there to guide people and help them to actively change. Every interaction I had, I could act as a representative of Christ and invite others to come to Him. That was why I studied, why I tried to be obedient, why I prayed more than I ever had before. I had a real, important reason to be a missionary.
I was never going to be a perfect missionary. But my Savior was a perfect Savior and I was His full-time representative for 18 months. I could focus on fulfilling my missionary purpose and He would be able to work miracles through me.
Moving Forward with Purpose
As we drove home that evening after a long afternoon, I had so many thoughts running through my head, all culminating in one idea. I wanted to invite others to Christ and share His love and message-
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “
Matthew 11:28
Understanding my purpose changed my mission. It brought meaning to monotony and beauty to rejection. I had a reason to do what I was doing, no matter the outcome.
Also, I didn’t know it, but understanding my purpose as a missionary would help save me. In the coming days, I would have a deep, tragic loss. All fear of looking stupid on camera would be forever gone, replaced by this foundation of who I was and what I was doing leading me through a very painful path.
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